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Jokes to tickle your funny bone
A List of Do's and Don'ts for Young, Inexperienced Cats Who Have a Household to Run...
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
DOORS: About them...
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind.
When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in and half-out and think about several things (particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
Doors swinging: Avoid.
GUESTS: About them...
After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when there isn't company!"
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. You will know him because he will call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to leave "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Example: for white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is full enough to drink from.
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed.
If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called hampering. Following are the main tips for hampering:
For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of course, you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what she calls a "dropped stitch." She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off of table one at a time.
TYPEWRITERS: About them...
Be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention. By sitting on the lap of the typist, you can place elbows on the top, making it convenient to play with the keys, which go up and down, and with the long things inside. If biting paper is in order, wait until typist has completed one perfect page.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed into dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl - sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over.
Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they can be taught readily if one starts in time!
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Cat Commandments
Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.
Does Your Cat Own You?
See how many yes answers apply to you.
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
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